Pregnancy after Miscarriage (a blog I never finished)

HERE IS A BLOG I NEVER FINISHED BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO SEE WHERE I WAS AT MENTALLY WITH THIS LAST PREGNANCY. IM SITTING HERE CRYING A YEAR LATER READING THIS. AAAALL THE FEELINGS THIS BROUGHT BACK:

 Here it is, 1:08am on March 15th 2021 and I'm wondering what i'm doing up. I was laying in bed with a racing mind and I just had to get up and write. Who actually knows why, considering I haven't written in here in MONTHS. What is there to write about honestly? I'm a stay at home mom who only leaves the house to grocery shop, and if we're being honest with each other, I do grocery pickup so.....needless to say I don't even get out of my PJs because why would I? But that's not the point is it? This is about how hard pregnancy after a miscarriage is. Because SURPRISE, I'm pregnant. But, you my dear reader, won't know about this until this is all said and done and my baby is born sometime in August. 😁

I'm going to write this down and semi label it by day that I write so that I have all my thoughts in one place, save it as a draft, and then once this is all done, I'll have a time stamp for each time I've written and what i was feeling at that particular moment during that week in my pregnancy because this is the hardest pregnancy I've encountered so far and you'll see why:

3/5/21: Okay, so lets start out with, I'm 16 weeks pregnant currently and the ultrasound i had at 14 weeks to check my placenta says its a boy. How wonderful right? Well, after two girls OF COURSE that's literally amazing. My whole life I've wanted to be a boy mom and while I was blessed with two girls, I have only EVER wanted to be a boy mom haha. But, here's where the main trigger starts, my miscarriage for those of you that know, was a boy. You can put two and two together, and for those that can't, i have two healthy girls, I know I can make healthy girls, my only experience with a boy is trauma. So I have spent every single day for the last two weeks in actual terror and fear that it's going to happen again and there's nothing i can do about it but pray. Ive developed depression and my anxiety has increased DRASTICALLY. I already struggled with anxiety but this is a whole other level. I'm having nightmares about losing him and I can do nothing about it, almost every night it happens and the dreams are so graphic that I don't dare write them here . No wonder I'm up at 1:30 writing a blog....Lord knows when i close my eyes, I'm going to experience those stupid dreams. I'm going to consider talking to my OB at my next appt about my anxiety and depression but, I'm super torn on taking meds like that when they've been known to case birth defects and heart issues in the baby. 😢 The chances are SO low but you know what? The chances of losing Baby J at 19 weeks was also 0.1% soooo.....forgive me if I cant exactly say I'm in favor of "incredibly low" odds. 

Also, while i'm here, can we talk about the fact that the closer i get to that 19 week mark, the more terror I feel? Its honestly debilitating sometimes. I feel like I cant buy anything for him because "what if?" I bought all these clothes and shoes for "J" because I was so excited to finally have my boy. Little overalls with bow ties and converse shoes. Like, i went aaaaall out for him and the fear that I may actually get excited and have my heart ripped to pieces again is beyond explanation and I'm constantly thinking he's died and I'm obsessively checking his heartbeat with a doppler. Every. Single. Day. and the urge to check more than once consumes me, but I fight it. I'm in a "Rainbow Baby" group on Facebook to help my sanity and to be surrounded by women who "get it" you know? But none of them are even talking about their fears and I think that's because even though I'm in this group for these rainbow babies, I'm STILL alone. These women who experienced loss, experienced it in their first trimester, hardly any of them experienced what I did and are WEEKS passed their "trigger date." I haven't even experienced mine yet, and it's still three weeks away. So, literally I'm alone. My husband won't even get excited because he's protecting his own heart and doesn't want to be brokenhearted again. While I get it, I'm still struggling because we're both terrified and so, I have no one to be positive for me if that makes sense? Its just HARD right now and that 19 week mark is HAUNTING me. So, that's where I'm at currently.

                                                       (picture of my rainbow boy in his brothers outfit w/ the bowtie)