Loss...
TW: Loss....if you are at all affected by miscarriages or the loss of babies, please know that this blog post may not be for you.
*I'm going to try my best to keep this as simple and straight forward as possible. It may go all over the place and if it does, and seems like I'm rambling, I'm sorry.
Hey Loves, I'm not even fully sure where to start on this. I
feel like there are a million things going on and my mind is just a whole bunch
of thoughts and there's no organization if that makes sense? I haven't been on
here in MONTHS and honestly the reason for that is a mixture of not knowing
what in the heck to write, and that I had gotten pregnant. Back in the
beginning of the year Kyle and I decided that we were ready to complete our
family with just one more baby and so the majority of my time and energy went
into the anxiety that comes with that honestly. When I decided I want something
I do a TON of research and all of my energy goes into that, I don’t know how to
explain it, but it does.
Anyway, we got super lucky and I actually got pregnant in
February after only one month of trying. I don’t know how we got so lucky but
here we are right? My first 3 months were horrible, I’m talking morning
sickness and the exhaustion to come with it. I was actually falling asleep on
the couch while sitting up! My kids would come over to me and tap me asking if I
was okay because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. It was completely different from
my other pregnancies so I just KNEW this one was a boy…well at the end of May I
found out that he was in fact, a BOY! When I tell you I bawled, I mean I BAWLED.
If you know anything about me, you know I have always felt like I was supposed
to be a boy mom. Even as a little girl I insisted on boy baby dolls and I’ve
always been drawn to baby boys and they’ve just always been “cuter” to me. So,
to find out after 2 girls I was FINALLY going to get my boy and I literally
felt like I was the most complete I have ever been in my life. Almost like my
lifelong dream of being a boy mom had come true. I don’t even know how to
explain it, I was just elated to say the least. I went out and bought boy clothes,
shoes, like I went haywire, and I had every reason to. I mean after two girls, I
had NO boy things so I just went insane. But…with all that being said, I just didn’t
feel right. It’s not like I felt sick or something, it’s just almost the whole
pregnancy I felt “off.” Like, I just couldn’t get excited fully…almost like it wasn’t
real? And I was in a constant panic that something was wrong and daily I checked
him with the fetal Doppler we had. I thought maybe it was because I was in
disbelief that he was actually a boy and I was scared of losing my boy that I always
wanted. I learned later that wasn’t the case and those feelings were justified.
On June 12, 2020 my oldest had a doctor’s appointment. I felt
off, I felt weird, and I just felt EMPTY, is the best way to describe it. There
was just an overwhelming feeling of just being alone. We were already heading
to the hospital where my daughters doctors appt was, and it’s the same building
as my OB office so I went ahead and called them and told them I’d like to be
seen to check on baby boy, and they said they have a nurse call me back. I took
my daughter into her appt and left my phone with my husband just in case they
called. By the time I got back out he said they never called back but he got
irritated with them because he knew me and he knows I have killer intuition and
if I felt like something was wrong with my baby, there probably was. When he
called them they said that both the Nurse Practitioner and the OBs were out of
the office, my OB was off, 2 others were in surgery, and the OB on call doesn’t
come in until 1pm. I’m now crying because it’s like…if the OB is on call, CALL
HIM. (I want to take this moment to say I am NOT the obsessive caller during my
pregnancies. I call to make appts and make sure I can take certain medicines if
I need to, I don’t call EVER about worries that my baby is in distress because I
have never felt the need to, so I was FUMING I wasn’t taken seriously and they
never told ME about everyone being off and if my husband hadn’t called back I would
have never known) Anyway, we headed home and then got the nerve to drive all
the way back, not because my OB office called, but because I got so desperate I
went to the ER. I get there and I have to go in by myself. MY husband can’t
come in because of this stupid Covid-19 garbage. So, I go in where everyone
asks a million questions and reassures me that my baby is okay because I’m not
bleeding, I don’t believe them. They take me back to get an ultrasound just to
confirm and here is where it all becomes an absolute blur…..i remember going
into the ultrasound, laying down and hearing the worlds “Autumn, I am so sorry I
don’t see a heartbeat.” Blur….everything else literally comes in fragments. I
had to call my husband on the phone and tell him…listen to that again guys, I
HAD TO CALL MY HUSBAND ON THE PHONE AND TELL HIM HIS SON HAD NO HEARTBEAT!! I
remember going to my OB office and talking to the OB there and him telling me
how delivery was going to go, and they had me go to labor and delivery and get
signed in. The whole hospital stay is a blur as well, I know every three hours
that had to come in and insert cervadil (sp?) into my cervix to try to induce
labor and get me to dilate. It took about 24 hours but it worked. This whole
thing was a completely new experience for me because my girls were both
c-sections (P came early and my body wouldn’t dilate and then with C I had to
do a repeat) so this was my only chance to actually birth a baby, which I am
grateful that I was allowed to birth him normally, I wasn’t sure if they would
let me. But, at 2:05pm on June 13th 2020, the day before his daddy’s
birthday and without any pain meds, baby J made his appearance at 7.6oz and 8in
long. There wasn’t a thing wrong with him, and perfect doesn’t describe him
enough. Unfortunately we aren’t entirely sure what happened but we assume it was
either chromosomal (though bloodwork detected nothing) or it was the cord. He
was born with the cord around him so we assume that is probably what happened
but no one can be too sure. We spent hours with him, loving him, kissing him,
telling him stories, taking pics, and saying our peace. We took turns holding
him, carrying him, and appreciating how beautiful he actually was. After a
couple of hours we felt like we had said all we could and we felt at peace, the
nurse came to get him, and at 11pm, I was able to go home. I didn’t know what else
to do honestly. I wanted to be back home and out of that hospital. I was devastated,
confused, overwhelmed and I hadn’t slept in 2 days. So we came home to heal. In
the end of it all, we chose cremation. It was either that or bury him, and his
whole life he had been with me and I wasn’t going to change that. We chose a
beautiful urn, and I got a necklace that holds some of his ashes.
I honestly don’t know why this stuff happens and I don’t know
why it happens to good people. One of the nurses even said to me is the hardest
part of her job is when babies pass away in utero and she said its genuinely never
a baby that you would ever have to worry about, it’s always the babies that
would have had the best life. I don’t blame myself at all either. I take
prenatals religiously, I don’t drink, take any extra meds (I’m even on the edge
about taking Tylenol), and I certainly don’t do drugs. So, I know losing my
baby has nothing to do with me. I mean it happens to people right? And God can’t
pick and choose who it happens to, so why worry about the “why me?” because it
has to be someone at the end of the day. You’d also think this would be a reason
for me to be angry with God and I’m just not…I can’t be. I got my boy…I prayed
about having a boy and I got him, If you knew about my family you would know
that we just DON’T have boys…like we cant. Baby J was a gift from God and I believe
it. I feel it. I’m not trying to get all “holy roller” on you because that just
not me, but I believe in God and I believe there is some sort of plan laid out
for me. I mean, I’m mad about losing my baby, I cry more than I’d like and I’m
honestly considering therapy but I somehow feel at peace. I know he’s safe, I know
he’s okay, and I feel like he’d want his momma to be happy and carry on with
life. Eventually we’ll try again, but at the end of the day no matter what the
next pregnancy brings, I am now a mom of both. I have two beautiful baby girls
here and an angel baby boy in heaven, and I feel in my gut that my next
pregnancy will be amazing and I’ll have a healthy baby here with me.
*If any mommas that read this have went through the same thing,
don’t have any issues reaching out to me, no matter if its 2 months from now,
or 2 years from now. This happens more than you think, and you’re not alone.
Xx,
Autumn
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